..hmmm...it's been awhile..since I last pen in...was reali busy. Cudn't believe myself just the past Tues I came home with 12 color marker renderings, and six simplified drawings...think I'll be goin crazy this weekend. But , I'm not here to complain..the main reason why I wanna write today is that..well...it's sorta like a revelation that God has revealed to me the past Sun. Well, I was havin lunch with a fren, Jeanie..can u believe it, the date was set like since last year, and it has only came to pass a few days ago...wat a...nvm....

Neway, we caught up on the time we haven been updating each other..and it was because of that, somehow God led us to talk bout an issue that has been bothering me since like I can't remember when...reali...if I'm not wrong..should be since beginning of this year...so..let me begin..

I am just a girl that one of my friend Raymond has described that I'm actually like a sponge. A sponge that is not so soft, but one will definitely need to make some effort in order to squeeze the sponge. And it's true...I'm like that...So many times I'd asked my friends what they perceived of me? Most would say, very confident, which I am..and strong, reliable, independent and so on and so forth. Well, actually what they said is all true..but deep inside I dun want that...I dun want ppl to think of me as such a person, cuz I know with such character perceived, ppl will assume that I can take a lot of things...like pressure, like ignorance, insensitivity,...

I know myself full well, to be honest, I love the limelight. I realised this when i knew how to make jokes and act, when my bro and I would remember the lines from Jackie Chan's kung-fu movie and we'll both act in front of my grand parents to make them laugh. This part of me also came from the Sanguine inside me, which sometimes I think it is so strong that it is driving me nuts. Like when I don't have the attention I need, I will feel left out, not needed and not belonged...and eventually, I harvested a field of bitterness and I looked very deep inwards to myself...and thereafter, I lost my focus...which at that time I still make myself believed that I'm ok.

Anyway, as the clock ticks, I somehow learnt to overcome the fear of rejection inside me. I learnt to enjoy by bein alone, spending time with myself, doin reflections and to do some thinking. But everytime when i talk to God, I felt the lack of faith that God is listenin to me..it's strange...I know God was ther, and was listening...but I just felt as tho He is so far...or was it only me? I dunno...but thank God for the Holp Spirit, I just knew that God will reveal to me in His own time...and finally...yes!!! He did it!!

One of the final questions that bothered me like crazy before the comin of this revelation is this : Who am I? Am I who I am because of what others had perceived me? Or am I who I am because of who I am? It's just a simple complications I had in my mind about a month ago..reali...I could still remember Sheryl and I was talkin about it...reali...We were both thinkin hard...The reason why I was kinda downcasted was because, I felt like I have no friends in college...like my another fren in coll who shared the same thing as I. I was feelin that no one actually cares...reali...Whether I do my work or if I attend college...no one cares..reali. And I dun feel belonged..and my greatest problem was that..I felt that I dun fit in...I dunno if it is the truth..cuz I'm facin that each day I go college...And I was asking God about it...."God, why??? You placed me there...and not that I'm there...why aren't You doin anything? Why do I hav to go thru this? And u dun evn give me someone whom I can share comfortably with? And You hav to make me feel like an alien and then to undergo the feelin of bein rejected and not wanted?!?!?" I could remember myslef bombarding God will all sorts a questions...quietly..everyday as I prepared myself to go coll, I just dun feel like goin..it was such a drag...and when I see ppl havin fun with their frens and within their grp of frens..I just felt so left out..

And because I dun wanna feel this awful feelin again and I wanna improve myself in college, I started to be nice, and to be like them in order to gain approval..but then soon I tire out...main reason was that I wasn't being myself..and that hurts!! It hurt so much to see myself being alone...but it hurt evn more when I start to behave not like myself and to top it off when I dun evn get approval from them. The approval is not like they verbally voice it out...no..not like that...it's more to like...bein accepted in the group or not...I was reali fed up...not with them...but more to with myself. I felt like a complete idiot and moron!!! And my final decision was that...THAT'S IT!!! I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING!!

But you know what?! God is ever so faithful...just as I thought I was gonna give up...He came...and rescued me from the pit!! The point whereby the revelation was found was when I told Jeanin about the WHO AM I issue....You see, I care too much wat ppl think and what I think of myself...and I totally forgot about God....n yet during that time when I was discussin with Sheryl, a thought came to me...who you are is not determined by the people around you, but the ONE that lives in you...yet, at that time, I couldn't understand the joy of the revelation...I was so blind...I was too inward looking!!!

Talkin to Jeanie was like, a whack at the back of my head and that suddenly...."I can see the light!!" kinda thing...so the conclusion was...it's not a question of Who am I? or What others think of me? But it is more to Who do I wanna become? Simple right? Yet complex when i was unable to comprehend. Well, I must say that this post is kinda personal...so, whoever that reads it, I just hope that...err..u've seen another side of me, a glimmer...i dunno. Mebbe u mite think of me differently now...but, ........... I'm not boasting...I am just writing the truth of myself, sincerely...honestly, transparent. I do believe also, that if u actually get to read this, you're either one of my close frens, or my closest frens....LOL...

Sincerely,

Serene...

- Life is a constant struggle, but God's grace surrounds you,            don't feel too small or too little, for all that God ask...is just you -